Clean it up.
Cut out sweets.
Cut out gluten, cheese, and my daily handful (or three) of sour patch kids.
And that was exactly when I caught myself, yet again,
deep in my bullshit.
A diet would be the actual worst thing for me to do.
So much so that since February I have committed to NOT going on a diet, cleaning up my diet or restricting any unnecessary item from myself ever again.
February may seem like a short amount of time, but if you’re a typical American woman you have thoughts of losing weight almost daily. It is somehow engrained in us that is what we are supposed to do.
Shrink.
According to the CDC at any given time 58% of American women are attempting to lose weight. Wild. It is no surprise the diet industry is booming. No surprise that is my, and most women’s, default line of thinking whenever we feel “off” in our bodies. "I need to go on a diet".
Never stopping to look at what is happening around us. What we have been neglecting or ignoring and what we have been giving our attention too.
Like a diet magically fixes everything. In truth, almost all the time, the diet is what is fucked us up...
The practice of journaling every morning has provided incredible insight into my patterns, and triggers.
I’ve noticed two things.
Anytime I have attempted to clean up my diet in an overly strict manner
I fall on my face afterwards,
ending up right into five slices of garlic pizza and half a pan of brownies.
That is really helpful… eyeroll.
And, that when a lot of things around me and outside of my control feel really shitty I tend to match that with how I eat, making myself feel shitty to align the energy around me.
Again, really helpful….
That is the current situation, and even though this is not the first or even second time I have found myself here this year it STILL catches me by surprise.
My gym is in a forced closure (again), with no end in sight (again), school is online (again) with no end in sight (again…). The gym is a macro stressor, something I have ZERO control over, yet it dictates my life (and income, and future) hugely.
Admittedly, remote schooling is micro. I can do it, it is a pain in the ass, not ideal, but it is OK. The stress comes from seeing my boys struggle to connect with what is being taught and seeing my seven year old becoming aware that he is having a hard time with it… it sucks. Add in the rest of 2020’s bullshit and BAM. I am eating to match the shitty energy.
The dumbest thing I could do. The dumbest thing anyone can do. Food is an INCREDIBLE source of comfort! And should be used. But abusing anything, food or alcohol as means to cope is never helping any situation. It is digging a bigger hole.
Trying to fix it by dieting or restricting would only make it worse.
Dieting is never the solution we are looking for. Ever.
Dieting is the start of a circular problem that becomes almost impossible to get out of.
The idea that the solution to all your problems is somehow fixed by a number on the scale or a smaller size of jeans.
Dieting is disguised as so many things.
It is cutting out gluten or dairy when you have no reason (other then seeing some influencer saying it is bad for you) to do so. It is cutting out sweets completely
without addressing WHY you are always turning to them.
It is a “cleanse”. It is trying to control something around you when you feel very out of control…
Dieting is doing anything with your nutrition without asking WHY you are doing it and WHAT you are hoping to gain from it.
We run to a solution, that has never solved anything,
in hopes to achieve a goal we have never thought about beyond a number.
We are scared to look deeper than that. Ask what FEELING we are after, and if we are even willing to do what it would take to get there;
which is never dieting!
It is working on our mindset, how we structure our day, what we allow in our space, what we believe and what we ignore.
The work is NEVER related to what goes into your mouth. It is how you SEE yourself, and how you VALUE yourself.
A diet never gave us what we were looking for. It is a temporary band aid that hurts like hell when you try to pull it off.
I know better. Deep down we ALL know better.
My thought, “I need to clean it up” isn’t about what I am eating at all.
It is what I am allowing in my space. What I am choosing to consume, mentally and physically.
Everything from time on Facebook to what I put in my mouth. Where I am letting my energy leak. What am I choosing to pay attention to?
What thoughts am I believing and putting to much weight into.
And really, it all boils down to one thing;
I am not taking the best care of myself.
A diet isn’t going to fix that. It is going to make it worse. It is going to push me further into listening to outside ques and father away from listening to myself.
I need to go inwards. Ask myself WHAT I NEED to feel good again. To feel like I am honoring, loving, and nourishing myself.
I don’t need to give up anything. At all. I don’t need to stop eating my sour patch kids and take away cheese. In fact, I know that doing that would bring me into a worse position.
All I need to do is get back to
MY*
baseline. My foundation.
Veggies at Breakfast and lunch. Dinner can go to shit, but it is cool, I covered my bases.
Protein at every meal. (notice I didn’t say every time I eat. I used to, this was to strict and did not work for me. If I want a carb heavy snack, I am eating a carb heavy snack. Ruthless self-evaluation and bullshit calling have taught me many things).
AND – the most important things have nothing to do with food: Which stopping dieting FINALLY allowed me to figure out.
Mindless scrolling needs to stop. Setting limits on Social Media has been a pandemic game changer. Phone goes upstairs by 7 each night, if it doesn't I know I will not be feeling great within a few days.
I stop being on-call. Emails get answered twice a day, not the second they come in. Feeling like you always have to be "on" is a sure fire way to needlessly burning yourself out.
Lastly, setting 5
alarms on my phone. When they go off, I stop whatever I am doing, close my eyes and list off three things I am grateful for in that moment. GAME CHANGERRRR.
A diet never fixed me. It will never fix you either.
It isn’t a diet we need. It is self-evaluation. What isn’t working and where is energy leaking??
Understanding that even if the world going to shit around you is not an excuse to treat yourself like shit.
It only makes things worse.
The food we eat is never what is wrong with us. It is why we are eating it OR why we think we need to avoid it.
I am not going on a diet ever again. Or a cleanse. Or a Whole30. Or a anything.
I am going to continue to ruthlessly call my bullshit. Eat what I want to eat AND stop often to make sure it is serving me.
I am going to continue to deepen my relationship with myself.
Deepen my intuition by listening to my body, not forcing things on it, or ignoring its wants.
That is all I need to come back too; myself.
I don’t know if I will ever stop thinking about dieting completing, or fantasying what I would look like if I “just lost 5 pounds” … and I don’t if I want to.
They are my red flags; I am willing to bet these thoughts are yours too. The check engine light that reminds me to stop and figure out what is happening.
Whenever I have them there is ALWAYS something else I need to be addressing that has NOTHING to do with my body. Or in the least, they are a reminder that I am not taking great care of myself, and I deserve better. We all deserve better.
I told my husband, in passing, and not serious but serious enough last night that “I am going on a diet tomorrow”.
He responded with exactly what I needed to hear; a manta I try to tell myself whenever negative thoughts arise: “you don’t do that anymore”.
He’s right. I don’t do that anymore. And I will remind myself that as often as needed….
(*highlighted and bolded because this is MINE. You find YOUR baseline, do not listen to strangers on the internet about what YOU need to do. This is hard work, and it does require help sometimes, if you are over dieting and want help establishing yours I got you, I am putting out the details for my January group soon! LOTS of self-evaluation. Lots of work. No dieting….)