If you are always seeking validation outside yourself, you are asking to be miserable.
Storytime.
In my first Whole30 group, I worked my ass off. Poured a stupid amount of time into that thing and charged a rate that was way too low for the work I put in. I didn’t believe in myself or my abilities enough going into it to ask for a rate I deep down knew I deserved.
My logic was it was my first group; I would get the experience and go from there. In theory, it made sense, but it was a recipe for burn out.
Instead of aiming to put out educational content I was proud of, I aimed to continually please. I never wanted to tell anyone no, which meant always being on call. (How many of y'all do that all day long??? At work, at home, with freinds.... Every time you say YES when it really is a NO you are choosing to ignore your happiness.)
In seeking validation, my boundaries went to shit.
In keeping everyone else happy, I allowed myself to turn into a personal Google.
People in the group didn’t want to appear needy by asking too many questions, so they text me…. Which meant I am answering the same question 20 times. For 45 days. No thanks.
By the end of the program, I was so energetically spent I couldn’t wait for it to be over, and when it finally was, instead of feeling proud of what I had done, I felt let down. Still seeking validation and praise from everyone in it instead of giving it to myself.
(do not cry for me. This was a blessing. I charge a rate I deserve, and my boundaries have never been more robust because of this. Yay mistakes! They teach us such amazing things!)
We need to stop seeking validation from others.
Because EVERYTHING we are doing, we are doing for ourselves.
Read that again.
We do this all day long. Cleaning the kitchen and get salty when our husband doesn’t acknowledge it. Spending extra time on that work project then getting upset when your efforts go unnoticed. Writing the perfect Instagram post and getting upset when no one comments on it…
Everything we do, we are doing for us.
Seeking outside validation is stupid.
Put it in context; did your kids ask you to fold all their sweatpants and put them neatly in the drawer? No. They don’t give a shit. You wanted that. Don’t get pissy when they mess it up.
Did your kids make you homeschool them? Nope. They want their iPad. YOU decide that their education is worth the effort.
Moms are the WORST with this stuff. We act like martyrs because we cleaned the house, knowing damn well no one else in the house gives a shit if plates sit in the sink overnight. Then we get angry when no one says thank you.
If you want validation, give it to yourself.
More significant than that,
you can get validation, but you will not receive it if you do not believe it.
It will fall to the ground while you continue along your salty no one appreciates me way.
That is the sad truth. Being a martyr has become some of all identity. Knock that shit off.
Back to my story. I was getting praise. I had at least 20 “after” pictures sent to me. Emails and texts saying how great they felt and how they couldn’t have done it without me.
I wasn’t receiving it because I wasn’t validating myself.
Still sitting, my insecurity about all the things I thought I could have done better or wanted to do differently cut me off from all the praise I did receive.
Think of all the times you use external sources to validate yourself.
Every time you step on the scale to tell you how good you are. What you should be doing is acknowledging how you FEEL and keep it moving.
When you ask your husband if that dress makes you a lot of fat. Stop it.
Do you like the way you look?
Then keep it moving!
Likes on your post. Comments on your post. Create for you, post for you.
If your worth is going to be determined by your engagement, you are asking to feel like shit.
Waiting for praise at work. If you feel good about the job you did, then you did a good job. It is that simple.
Doing a good deed and expecting a thank you. That is not how that works.
Do a good deed because it is WHO you are, not because you want praise for it.
If the only time you are a good person is when you can show it off on Facebook, you are a shitty person.
Make it a habit to tell yourself good job. Smile after you finish a task. It feels good and gives you a sense of accomplishment.
Stop picking yourself apart. That keeps you seeking praise from other people and things. The whole world can tell you that you are beautiful and kind, but none of it will matter if you do not believe that.
Make a practice of saying, or even better, writing something you like about yourself every day.
Physical or personality it doesn’t matter. Just do it.
Write a feel-good mantra on your mirror such as I am strong, I am capable, I am worthy, I am love, I am light… remind yourself what you ARE every day instead of focusing on what you think you are not.
Acknowledge that you are more than enough, validate yourself. Remind yourself that EVERYTHING you are doing because you are choosing to do so. Give yourself the praise you are waiting for. It is a game-changer.