Coming to peace with your shadows is coming to peace with yourself.
Carl Jung turned "the shadow" mainstream, then new age woo and spirituality teachers ran with it.
Both schools of thought have the same belief about our shadow sides; they should not be hidden and locked away. Instead, opened, examined, and explored.
Jung says to fully see ourselves and know ourselves, we must also know our shadows. I akin it to the quote; the only way out is through.
Getting to know your shadow self is taking control of your life. It allows you to remain in the driver's seat in all situations when you know your triggers, biases, and weaknesses. Yet, most of us are scared to look at those corners of ourselves. The dirty, dark moldy ones we can quickly shut the door on most of the time and hide.
Too scared to open the perceived Pandora's Box of all our Bullshit that we forget we are already inside it. Trapped by the very things we refuse to acknowledge.
It is scary to invite the Monster in the closet to the kitchen table for Sunday dinner. But I think it is worse to let them make themselves a comfy home inside there, hiding, ready to fuck with us when we least expect it.
Your shadow is the dark side of your personality. Your impulses, like instantly being annoyed when you see someone whip out a checkbook in the line in front of you.
Our selfish desires, and any parts of ourselves we wish to hide away, anything we deem unacceptable or wrong.
Our shadow is our disowned self. Any part of us we do not wish to claim or refuse to acknowledge.
I will throw myself under the bus here (claiming my shadows has been the most freeing thing I have ever done… but it doesn't make it easier to publish them for the inter-webs to see).
For years I was bulimic. I would overeat, most of the time on purpose, and then throw it up. Every time I did it, I would swear it was the last time. Over 15 years of doing something for the last time… that is a shadow. Something I was aware of but hid with everything I had.
Anything you refuse to talk about, do in secret, anything that brings you shame and feelings of guilt, is a part of your shadows.
Other times it is subconscious beliefs we allow to hold ourselves back because we refuse the challenge them.
For the longest time, I thought I was not that smart. I didn't apply myself or even try to learn anything because not being the smartest was part of my identity. It wasn't until I was almost 30. I finally realized I spent all of my teen years and much of my twenties self-sabotaging because of an internalized belief, a shadow I carried around since childhood.
That is the thing with shadows.
We can shed them. I know now WHO I am, and while I would never claim to be the smartest in the room (I make a point to surround myself with people who know more than me), when it comes to certain subjects, ones I have an interest in and can help accelerate my career and life, I know my shit. I am incredibly well-read and overly confident. I told myself I was good enough for the longest time because I was good enough, I was fine. But I didn't come here to be fine. My goal isn't to live my life being fine and die.
I came to earth with a higher calling, one I pursue every day. The limiting belief that I was not enough, not worthy, started
with my second-grade teacher, Mrs. Kingsly. She was a trash teacher. She would call out all our errors loudly, offering no help, just basically shit talking.
I was 7, and a lot happened in between then and 30, but I allowed my shadow to seek our way to confirm what I believed.
It is wild the lengths we will go to stay safe in our bullshit.
Often without even knowing it.
How many times have you started out on a new goal only to fall on your face over and over, wondering why you keep fucking up? There is a shadow to be examined there.
Self-sabotage is always a shadow at work.
This is something I see a lot with weight loss. Folks claim they will do anything to feel better, anything to escape the prison they feel trapped in. They WANT to. Yet, they just can't stick with it. Then they feel like losers. Like they lack motivation or discipline.
Neither is true.
They simply have placed way too much weight into an identity that is not serving them.
It is a never-ending cycle of shame. What is really happening? They have internalized some fucked up beliefs that result in being unable to get to where they want to be. Somewhere the idea that they were meant to stay in a body that is not comfortable to them became part of their identity. A shadow crept into their subconscious and made them right at home.
Ignoring your shadows is hugely detrimental to your growth. You are only as sick as your secrets, right?
Any part of us we ignore will be allowed to run free with its bullshit.
Back in the Pandora's box, you are not keeping yourself safe by not looking at your past traumas, self-sabotaging behaviors, negative impulses, moody, salty, harmful automatic behaviors.
You are fortifying a cage you are already trapped in.
Here is the thing with shadow behaviors, even though they may seem unintentional and unconscious, they are actually pretty fucking predictable.
We simply need to find our triggers to be able to catch them before they happen.
What are you working on, your bullshit or your growth?
Repressing our shadow is the default for most everyone. We are taught to keep that shit locked up and hidden.
No one wants to admit that they are their biggest roadblock.
In a way that is expert-level trolling, the shadows self makes it really easy for us to find what we need to work on.
Why?
Because what you REPRESS in yourself, you will SEE in others.
Read that again.
What you repress in yourself, you will see in others.
In psychology, this is projection. Woo world will call it a mirror.
What annoys you in someone else is almost always something you are also doing yourself that you are unwilling to see.
"Unless we do conscious work on it, the shadow is almost always projected: that is, it is neatly laid on someone of something else, so we do not have to take responsibility for it"
Robert Johnson.
Plainly put, if you find yourself always talking shit about someone or still angry with someone, that is YOU, not them.
What are they doing that you refuse to give yourself; jealously is a mirror—short story. About 5 years ago, a girl used to come to the gym and wear a crop top in a training class. I talked so much shit. Why is she wearing that? I made fun of her. I HATE myself for writing this, but again, owning my bullshit set me free. Now you can almost always catch me in a crop top at the gym. What changed? I realized what was really happening. I was utterly jealous of her and her confidence. I was jealous of her balls, courage, and "I will wear what I want" attitude. I was at war with my body, seeing anyone so clearly at peace with theirs, which she was, it radiated. It was amazing to watch, inspiring even,
but I was too deep in my bullshit to see it.
Jealously in ANY form is a shadow you can learn so much from.
Annoyance is another excellent flashlight to a shadow.
If you find yourself always annoyed with someone, they bring up something in you that you do not want to see in yourself. The more they grate you, the more you need to ask yourself what they are doing, then sit your ass down with a paper and pen and get to writing.
You have a shadow to examine there.
You cannot be an awakened person without knowing your shadows. Taking them by the hand and inviting them out of the dark corners and to your table. Befriending them, so you never again get caught by surprise and find yourself reacting to old mindless patterns that do not serve your highest, most aligned good.
Approach your shadows with compassion. They were tools you used, now you have better ones.
Some are beliefs that are not even yours. You just picked them up along the way and didn't know how to part with them (like my second-grade trash teacher implanting an identity in me). These shadows are shed with picking up NEW beliefs.
Affirmations are your best friend. Who are you?? Affirm it every day. I am smart. I am powerful. I am capable of. I am determined….
Focus on the positive aspects of your personality.
Make them your focus.
If you find yourself going back to old patterns, getting annoyed quickly, snapping at your children or partner, or being an asshole to yourself, remind yourself immediately you do not do that anymore. Regroup yourself and move on. You are not the same person, don't waste time being a prisoner of your past by allowing past patterns to run your life.
Be loyal to your future. And call your bullshit.
Be aware of yourself.
Do not let the shit slip back into the closet.
Self-improvement is not for the faint of heart. It requires ruthless bullshit calling and accountability. You must be up to the challenge.
What are you working on, your bullshit or your growth?
Be courageously honest with yourself. There is no other way.
Invite your shadows to the table. Tell them to pull up a chair, because you have some examining to do, so they can make themselves right at home in the spotlight.
“When we are aware of our weaknesses or negative tendencies, we open the opportunity to work on them.”
― Allan Lokos