Does that sound cheesy? Too bad. It is true.
I wrote gratitude journaling changed my life, and it did, but I left out something really important, it wasn’t just the journaling. That alone wasn’t enough. I didn’t see big changes at first. I had to actively practice it. Force myself to pause in almost every situation and find the good. And if I couldn’t find the good, get the f outta there.
Seriously. It woke me up to two major truths.
Almost everything that annoyed me was something, somewhere, or someone I loved or in the least was lucky to have. Little mundane things like bitching about waiting in line at Target. That is a problem!?
Its not. I have money to go to Target. Blessing and grateful. Sitting in traffic; I have a car and somewhere to be. Blessing and Grateful. My children... talk about gut check. All these little or big things that used to bother me don’t anymore. They can’t.
I changed my perception and it changed everything.
And- sometimes it was a legit drain or annoyance. So Bye! Talk about freedom, understanding I didn’t need something or someone or somewhere because it wasn’t serving me and being able to just walk away… huge blessing.
You choose it or you change it, and if you can’t change it, accept it and quit bitching. It is like complaining about the weather. Is rain the worst thing that happened to you all day? You’re doing fine. Or that person, stop talking shit about them and do something about it. If you think there is nothing you can do, then
YOU are the problem, not them.
Anywho. Cardio.
My muse today.
Talk about something that has changed because of a change in my perception.
Cardio was my punishment. It was a means to an end. The hammer to my worn nail, abused, beaten nail.
I don’t recall ever really enjoying it, it was just something I did daily. I got pretty good at it. I would wake up, diligently; turn the TV onto VH1 and go. An hour almost every morning. Sometimes I would miss the mornings and would just wait until Oprah came on and do my daily penance then. I cried like a baby when she went off the air. Sobbed. Not because I love Oprah, I think is wonderful, I listen to Super Soul Sunday religiously, but it wasn’t morning the loss of her show, it was wondering how I was I going to survive my afternoon calorie burning session without her. Thank God for Ellen.
I was really fucked up in those days. It was compulsive, something I had to do, I had to earn my food, and when I messed up I had to burn it….and I messed up a lot.
Broken record here, I found New York Sport and Fitness, and strength training and it shifted. I started to understand what I was doing; the cycle I was keeping myself in and why it wasn’t working.
I wanted to get stronger, I had gained and lost the same 5-20 pounds 12093 times, something had to change and strength training was it. Like most little meat heads, I stopped steady state cardio.. It would kill my gains, right? No not really, I was just so sick of the elliptical that once I found another way to move I couldn’t go near it.
Listen I could go on for pages about all the wonderful things strength training taught me, and I am sure I will soon, but right now there is really only one important thing to know- it pushed me out of my own way. All these wonderful things happened like I started celebrating what my body could do, how much I could lift verses what I weighed… all the shit you read about strength training on Instagram, it’s all true. Its magic, it’s wonderful, it will change your life.
And it got Heather Ann Maio of the Elliptical which was a huge big majestic miracle.
End of story, right?
Wrong.
Because truth be told up until about 2 years ago I still used cardio as a form of punishment. Extra miles before class to burn a 100 more calories, extra time on the Airdyne after training to earn some more food for later… you know the drill.
I threw out my scale at home a little over 2 years ago, that release also, for some reason unknown to me, released the pressure I had put on myself to burn calories. That and the gym started using MyZone heart rate monitors and I saw how crazy some of my workouts were. Going for an hour and thirty minutes a few times a week… that wasn’t good. It was too much, I knew it, and it slapped me in the face. Again- another break up with cardio happened. This time it was legit. We were done.
I knew better, seeing my workouts like that, and knowing everyone else could see them forced me to do better.
Cardio and I had a nice break again. I would do our Cardio training classes but that was it, no “extra” or bonus anymore.
I made a promise to myself to never, ever again punish myself with cardio,
and being a good upholder, I have followed through.
I knew what I was doing wasn’t healthy. I knew it was a form of restriction and binging, trying to clear myself of whatever happened the night or weekend before.
I also know this is pretty normal gym behavior. You ate like shit, you want to burn it off. I just cannot get behind that anymore, I did it too much, and I see it too much. There is a HUGE difference between going in and having a powerful workout, and going in and repenting your nutritional sins or preparing to sin. I am not here to tell anyone what do to do with their bodies, but I know what I did to mine, and all those extra “little bits” were stupid, made no difference in the long run, and it kept me in a head space I was working really hard to get out of.
End of story? No. Still not done.
I feel in love with cardio again….
Full on, hard core, I daydream about it sometimes. That kind of love. Because my perception changed.
John brought an Arc home one day. There was she in our basement. Looking all cute, begging for me to use her, but I was scared. I didn’t want to open that box I worked so hard to close. Lucky for me I have read every self help book ever published (not a lie), so I am an expert at calling my own bullshit. I knew I was in a different place, so I gave her a whirl and we have been back together ever since.
Cardio is my dessert now. I savor it.
Lifting is and will always be the main course. It is where I meet every single one of my needs and almost all my wants, but every now and then, basically once every few weeks, my body begs for some good old fashion steady state cardio- so I indulge. And it’s amazing.
It is so much different now. It is transformative. It is prayer. It is a celebration. And sometimes it is a full on tantrum, and it is ALWAYS exactly what I need.
And if its not, if for some reason I get on that day and it doesn't feel right, I get off! How simple! But I never did that before, it was always a grind just to burn. It is CRAZY what giving yourself permission to quit can do...but more on that some other day.
I have a playlist that is perfect, no aggressive music, it is stuff that hypes me and makes me smile, but really it doesn’t matter because 10 minutes in I am gone. It is like an out of body experience… total flow state. 20-50+ minutes pass in seconds.
It’s the most discounted I feel from my body, but at the same time the most connected I am. I am totally completely present, and I am also miles away in thought. I think there, I process any conflict, I find peace and resolution every single time. I throw fits there. Full on fits, a bad day will come and go by the time I am off of that time.
And I pray. I talk to God and I feel more connected to spirit there then I have in any formal setting. I am wide open and responsive. I am using my vessel, this body that is a HUGE blessing, that I have put through absolute hell at times yet it still shows up for me, and I am seeing what it is capable off. My greatest victories will never happen while I am doing cardio, but I win there every time. Because I can push like hell, push until I can’t, and almost always when I think I am done something snaps and I am still going. I am miles away but I am right there.
I wish I could describe it. I was I could bottle it up and give it away. It breathes life into me, it takes everything I don’t need out of me, and it lets me breathe- deeply.
I wasn’t kidding when I said it was a love affair. I get chills just thinking about how great I feel during and after one of those sessions.
I can’t imagine punishing myself through one now. I don’t think I could if I tried.
My lens has changed. My perception has changed. I did so much work and labor to get here and now I get to reap the benefits of it. The fruit is sweet is so sweet.
What is the point of all this? I really don’t know. My love letter to the Arc I guess. How one man’s hammer (cardio) can be another man’s nail. How WHY you do something is ALWAYS the most important, and if you don’t know why, ask, even at the gym. More than ever at the gym.