Before we dig in, a quick lesson on the Shadow. The term "shadow" was coined by psychologist Carl Jung who described it as
the unconscious and disowned parts of ourselves that our ego fails to acknowledge. It is any aspect of ourselves that we try to hide from, keep hidden away and unseen by ourselves and everyone around us.
When I talk about shadow work, I often use the metaphor of cleaning out our closets or basements because the energy can feel very similar. It never is something you want to do, but we know it needs to be done… and the mess gets bigger after we start. We must continue to keep cleaning; understanding it is not going to be a neat and tidy process.
We have a choice; we open the closet door on our terms and get to work. Or we wait until it is filled with mold, stinking up the whole house, and bursts open unexpectedly.
One way of the other – our shadows will come for us. We will have to deal with its shit at some point; the unfortunate thing is that we deal with the slow shadow leek every day. Every time we self-sabotage, say yes when we really want to say no, say no
(often to ourselves)
when we want nothing more than to try…
your shadow is the voice that keeps you thinking about all the ways that could fail, and keeps you stuck in a cage, never trying.
I am going to do my best, to sum up, Shadow works in a 1200(ish)
word blog post, but this will be glossing over a topic that ideally should be explored in-depth; because of that, this will also be an upcoming Podcast – look for it later this week (Thursday, Oct. 7).
Everyone has a shadow self. Thinking you do not have one is stating your denial. We are not born with a shadow; instead, life hands one to us. It is given every time we were told to "suck it up" as a child rather than be allowed to sit with our feelings. Every time we didn't understand a concept in school and felt stupid --- when we heard comments about bodies that looked like ours being ugly, fat, unworthy…
Our shadow self is learned, which means it can be questioned, explored, and in some ways, discarded.
The Shadow rears its head when we are placed in situations that cause unpleasant emotions. When we are asked to try something new or wish to try something new, and we hear that small voice inside that tells us to stop – tells us we will not understand it, it will be too much of a challenge, too difficult…
When we look in the mirror and pick ourselves apart, telling ourselves how ugly, unworthy, unlovable we are because of how our bodies look.
When we feel something unpleasant – fear, worry, sadness, angry – anything we do not want to feel, we immediately try to numb it out because we were never taught to sit with those uncomfortable emotions. Every time we go to social media to scroll instead of allowing our mind some time to process – that is the Shadow at work. When we turn to alcohol to comfort a bad day – that is the Shadow. And of course, when to turn to food whenever we find ourselves feeling any uncomfortable emotions– sometimes even without realizing it – that is the Shadow.
The shadow self is our bullied self-talk, the voice that tells us no, the voice that tells us we can't, and the voice that also tells us never to try.
And the fucked-up thing with the Shadow is we feed it often because every time we try to repress it – it grows.
Have you ever caught yourself in a situation and wondered how the fuck it happened? That is the Shadow. It drives unconscious behaviors, which is why it needs to be pulled out of the closet and brought to light.
The Shadow not only drives negative, self-sabotaging, and harmful behaviors, it represses positive ones.
Many of us have been told to quiet down, stop being so loud, do not be "too much". We have had the confidence kicked out of us because life taught us that loving yourself fully and freely is something is only available to you if you fit into whatever standard of beauty society deems worthy at any given moment. I can bullshit on that.
Self-love is a birthright, and not exploring your shadow self means you are missing out on it.
The Shadow tricky in that even though we may hide it, deny it, or run from it;
we
know it is there. Just like our closets packed with our junk, our home may look clean and tidy on the surface. We can trick everyone, sometimes even the ones closest to us, but WE know the truth – at any moment, if those doors were to be open, our mess would be exposed.
That doesn't feel good; no one wants to feel disingenuous. Especially with themselves.
Exploring your shadows allows you
to fully know you, and knowing yourself entirely provides for self-trust, growth, and self-respect.
No one likes a liar, and unfortunately not exploring your shadows is lying to yourself every single day.
(again – in the interest of your eyeballs staring at a screen, I am glossing over a lot of this- if you know you have a shadow (cough, you do) and you know it is carrying some bullshit (cough- it is) check out the Podcast to go deeper).
Onto exploring the Shadow, it's bullshit, and it's good shit – because both live there.
Think of your Shadow as an unmeant part of you, one that has always been there but that you have yet to discover. Understanding your relationship with your Shadow is really deepening your relationship with your true self.
Here are some of the ways your Shadow will manifest in your life, taking time to
PAUSE, breath, and examine what is really happening. Simply taking a beat, giving yourself time before you react or numb will allow you an incredible opportunity to meet yourself in your shadows and grow.
(anyone in my Magic Mindset program knows the LIFE-CHANGING -yes, I am yelling – because it is truly life-changing – the power of the pause, it allows us to regain our awareness and intention in any moment).
Triggers:
Do you ever find yourself consistently annoyed at the same things? Does the same person always piss you off? Do you find certain situations simply unbearable?
Those are triggers – and when you identify them, you also identify an opportunity to find a part of your Shadow. Anytime you find yourself instantly RE-ACTING and feeling unable to remain calm, you are being triggered by something in your past.
I am not suggesting you try to do deep work when you find them – instead, simply become AWARE of them because awareness is your power. You cannot heal what you will not acknowledge. Bringing awareness to anything that consistently brings out the worst in you allows you an opportunity to show up differently, to show up better. To show up as the person you wish to be. Find your triggers – and you will also find the power to do better in them.
Patterns:
Along with triggers are patterns. Look for your habitual responses. Do you have a bad day and immediately grab a White Claw? Do you fight with your husband and instantly head to the kitchen? Do you yell, and your children then retreat to the confines of social media, doing your best to drown them out? Do you tell yourself you will start doing something like going to the gym or heading out of a walk after dinner only to never do it?
Those are patterns. Habitual responses that are keeping you stuck. Find them – and ask – what can I do differently. Often the answer is painfully simple – you need to pause.
Pause and ask what would best serve you in that situation that allows you to choose differently – and choose better.
Judgment and Jealousy:
Both are huge shadows –
and both have so much to teach us.
What we judge is often a projection. If you find someone unbearable, they may be mirroring back a part of you that you hate about yourself.
I know that is a hard pill to swallow – we want to write that off and say no, they just suck as a person, and truthfully they might – but regardless, they are present in our life with something to teach us. Not taking an opportunity to learn what that something might be will be to our detriment 100% of the time.
What you judge is often what you DO. The only time that is not true is when it is something you do not understand, which still requires your attention and commitment to learning why you find that behavior so upsetting.
100% of the time, judgment is mirroring YOUR shit back to you.
And of course, there is jealousy, something we do not like to own up to, which is a shame because jealously is an easy thing to learn from. What are they doing that you wish to do? Go do it. What are they that you want to be? Go be it.
Jealousy is there is give you permission. Do not allow yourself to stay in its low vibration; instead, use it to help create awareness around who you wish to be – and start living your life as that person.
I am well over 1200 words – which means it is time to wrap this up but do not get it twisted; there is so much left to explore! Look for the Podcast later this week (if you are reading this later, it is the Podcast entitled "Get to know your Shadow" – episode 12).
Through my own work – which has been a lot, I am one messy little mess, and the honor of working with around one hundred women over the last few years, I have identified one overarching truth:
our shadows often hide in our relationship with food.
Our shadows fuck with us through how we feel about what we see in the mirror and the food we put on our plates.
Exploring our relationship with food is really exploring our relationship with our shadows, which is why we can never seem to escape our bullshit. We think our problem is the food – but – if that was the case, a diet would have solved it… but did it? Nope, and it made it worse.
That is why I made the Magic Mindset program, to finally un-fuck that relationship and help you fully heal your WHOLE being – mind, body, and soul. Because you are still reading, I have a code for you if you are ready to dive into those shadows and meet yourself fully.
Use the code "shadow" to save 13% on Magic Mindset – not an unlucky number at all – it is the number of the feminine divine and which is exactly what you are – and now is the time for you to see it.
XXO-
Heather