What is confidence? Probably not what you think. When we think of confidence, our mind goes to a woman walking boldly into a room. Someone who owns their presence fully, feels good in their skin, stands tall, and generally likes themselves.
But is that all? Hardly.
At its core –
confidence is trust. Knowing that you can rely on yourself.
Where we get it wrong with confidence isn’t our lack of self-love or self-appreciation. That is absolutely part of it, but bigger than that – it is a lack of self-trust.
You are never going to feel confident in any situation if you do not trust yourself.
I have always been a fan of the quote;
self-esteem comes from esteemable acts. I take it one step further, though.
Self-esteem comes from esteemable actions and not treating yourself like shit, lying to yourself, letting yourself down, or disregarding your body’s intuitive knowledge and wisdom.
Self-esteem and confidence come from discipline, fortitude, following through, and building un-breakable self-trust.
If you want to feel more confident, don’t stand in the mirror and repeat “I am confident” until you pass out. Instead – tell yourself you are going to do something and then actually do it.
You must be able to trust yourself, and you have to know when you say something, you will do it. The problem is most of us are putting our needs, wants, desires, and goals on the backburner… which is bullshit and cannot happen anymore.
I would love to give you rah-rah soft advice. I would love to tell you to put on a pair of big-ass hoops and instantly feel that confident. Because in some parts, that works.
If you want to feel confident, you have to feel put together. The simple act of putting on clothing you feel good in, shoes you can stand tall in, and whatever makeup and accessories you don that will help you feel like a badass bitch will help. But it is not enough.
All the heels, hoops, and red lipstick in the world cannot fix an internal problem. If you want confidence, you need to be willing to be a bit uncomfortable doing some inner work.
Start by getting things done.
Simple on the surface, but believe me, this goes so much deeper. This includes every area of your life. If you think a load of laundry you have been putting off that has slowly but surely morphed into an entire mountain of laundry is not affecting your confidence, you are all the way wrong. The same with the big work project you may be putting off, the closet you tell yourself every Sunday you will clean but never get around to it.
If you want confidence, you need to know you are capable of getting shit done. Not just some things, all the things.
Anything you deem essential to your health, success, wellness, and well-being. Which, of course, includes the other stuff we are notorious for putting off, like working you. If you have been telling yourself for a month you are going to start working out on Monday but have yet to meet the Monday, you actually start… this is your kick in the pants to get it together.
Let your subconscious and your higher self know that you are not fucking around anymore, and if something is important to you, you will do it.
Put yourself on your to-do list. Tell yourself that you are important.
Make time for everything in your life that would help foster your growth and improvement.
Exercise is a huge confidence builder. It obviously helps with better health, and no one is feeling confident with a constant runny nose and case of constipation… It also helps with depression and anxiety- massive confidence killers, things that make us feel helpless and powerless over our own thoughts.
Exercise will improve every area of your life, teach you how to show up for yourself, try, and, more importantly, try again… because if you are scared of failure, you are also scared of confidence.
Confidence and acceptance of failure are one and the same.
You have to be willing to try – you have to be willing to bet on yourself, knowing sometimes you may lose that bet! But it is ok!
That is far better than being the person who is telling yourself no.
Failing is not and never will be the enemy. Failure is the greatest teacher we have. It is instant and precise feedback that lets us know where we went wrong but, more importantly, where we went right. That information can be used again; it will make us stronger and better 100% of the time if we allow it to do so.
Here is the thing- every successful, confident, efficacious, self-assured person you meet or admire has failed. They have probably gotten their ass handed to them a few times, and they have eaten a shit sandwich more than once – often publicly.
And they still keep going.
If you are scared of failing, you are scared of winning.
If you are scared of failing, you are scared of succeeding.
If you are scared of failing, you are scared of success, of trying, becoming better, and becoming more…
Being scared to fail is being scared to really live.
And no one – ever – is feeling confident while they sit on their recliner thinking about starting but telling themselves all the ways it could go wrong.
Which it could, they could fail, we all could.
But it is just as likely everything will go right. We can tip the scales of luck even further in our favor by having the courage to believe everything will go right. And here’s the cool thing – the more you believe that, the more likely it is to happen.
Fight for your wins, get gritty fighting for your successes. Stop giving all your power to your excuses.
If you want to be confident, be willing to fail, knowing that failure is always part of the process. It is a non-negotiable stop on every train ride to any goal. Embrace it, knowing you will learn something that being scared and playing small could never teach you.
Being confident means no longer comparing yourself to others.
We are all on different roads, and each of us has a different path. Looking at someone else and measuring yourself against them is a trash way to live. If you are looking for anything other than inspiration, stop.
Use someone’s successes as a permission slip. Their win shows you the same win is available to you. But using someone’s successes as a reason not to try – because they already did that, or you will never be as good as them, as popular, as talented, as whatever is complete bullshit.
Do not compete with anyone; you are putting yourself in a race you will never win by doing so. And you will kill your confidence every time.
Reframe your self-talk. Never use the words: I can’t.
You don’t know that. Stop predicting the future. Maybe something is new you never tried before; it may be a challenge, but that does not mean you cannot do it, and it means you haven’t done it YET.
I fucking love the word yet.
I am not a bestselling author yet. I am not ________ fill in your dream here yet.
Yet, it is a possibility. It is a promise, and it is a commitment to showing up. Can’t is a dead end.
Stop limiting yourself. Start allowing yourself.
There is a lot more to this conversation. Head over to the Magic Mindset Podcast to finish it. Things get a little spicier there, digging into judgment, jealousy and comparison. Look for it on September 30th.