Mom look, aren’t these pretty?Ya. Who is it?
She is my age, goes to school with…
My first thought, after finding out the girl’s age; that’s weird, her displaying that....
She, the girl in the photos, is pregnant, I am guessing around 6 months. She, like me, will be having a child before her 19th birthday. She will be part of this weird club of teenage mothers.
It is amazing how quickly we make judgments. We scan someone and within seconds start forming opinions. Ten, twenty, who knows how many things
almost instantly
pop in our minds.
We make assumptions, decisions, and conclusions before we have even had a chance to shake someone’s hand.
(Or scroll onto the next post on our timeline).
I had so many thoughts in the few seconds after seeing those pictures. Judgments about what type of girl she is
(what type of girl I was), what her parents think (what my parents thought), what is being said about her (what was said about me), and what her life will turn out to be…
Judgment is a mirror.
I know that. It is funny how quickly I can forget....
Life is really our greatest teacher, I was reminded of a lot in that moment, mainly,
when I am judging anyone all I am ever doing is judging myself.
The flaws I see in another are the flaws I see in mirror.
The assumptions I make about someone say more about who I AM, who I was,
then they will ever say about the person I am assessing.
Lesson learned, again.
I become jealous of her. I still am. I always will be.
What a gift she is giving herself, capturing this moment. Celebrating it.
I didn’t do that. I have one photo of myself pregnant with Evalynn. One, during the whole nine months.
It was at my baby shower, I was wearing the only maternity shirt I ever bought, (from Kmart, it was blue polyester, and as awful as it sounds… hence why it remained the only maternity shirt ever purchased through two more pregnancies),
I was sitting down, trying to cover my belly, trying to hide.
That is what I thought I needed to do. I was 18 and pregnant; we don’t celebrate those babies and those women…
Let me clear, my parents were (are) amazing. To say I was blessed is an understatement. In short, I told my parents about Evalynn (at the time, simply the baby) while my mom was out of town. My father was away also but that is a story for a different day. I waited until she was gone to tell her, I was terrified. I could barely get the words out of my mouth, somehow she knew. And she told me it was going to be fine, that a baby is a gift and we will be ok. She meant it. She told my father for me, who called later and echoed her sentiment. They loved me, we will be fine, and we were. That is something I know most teenage mothers do not receive, and I am thankful for my reality every day.
Unfortunately, their acceptance didn’t mean every else followed suit. I didn’t want people to know. I told a few close friends and family members, and like most juicy secrets, everyone knew shortly thereafter.
It is strange to think back at that time. I am a different person now. That girl, that pregnant 18 year old was terrified. Ashamed. Embarrassed. Felt like a loser, like a has-been, a washed up popular girl who would end up that small town cliché making nothing of her life. If I could have hidden those entire nine months I would have in a heartbeat. I didn’t want to be seen or heard or talked about. (f you know me now, that couldn't be farther from who I am).
Those pictures today made me morn for something I never knew I missed. That pregnancy.
It is crazy how our mind works, I don’t remember most of that time. I know that isn’t a coincidence, there is something in me blocking that time out. I was sad, I was lonely, I was depressed, I could put on a front when I needed too, but what I remember most; trying to hide.
I am so jealous of that girl for capturing this time in her life, and more than that, for embracing it.
Maybe that sounds crazy to you, me saying it is cool that a teenager is embracing her pregnancy, but what is the alternative? If Byron Katie taught me anything it is this; fighting WHAT IS the quickest way to unhappiness. I know that. I lived that.
Evalynn is one of the best things I have ever done. Like any child, she changed my life. People say all the time what gifts their children are, they are right; but Evalynn gave me more than a gift, she gave me everything. I can trace EVERY good thing that has happened to me in the last 18 years to her. All of it. I don’t know any other parent who can say that. I am, and will always be, the luckiest because she made me a mom.
But, I don’t remember those nine months. I wished them away, I would go to bed dreaming I would wake up in a different situation, never without her, I loved her when I heard her heartbeat, but I would dream of waking up far away from my town, my life, my friends, and being able to just start over. Where I wouldn’t be the loser who got pregnant before they finished college. Where I wouldn’t be the pregnant 18 year old collage drop out working at the local pizza shop. I have files of memories from Roman and Rocco’s pregnancy, and a few slipping moments with Eva, most not great until the moment I saw her face.
I am so happy for that girl, that she is brave enough to own her situation, and wise enough to create memories of it. I pray that her reality is different than mine was during that time. I hope she is hopeful, and excited, and feels prepared for this challenge. And mostly I hope she gets what I got; which was the best gift I never asked for.
She and I are members of a strange club. We are either sad cautionary tales of what good girls shouldn’t do. Or we are token stories, look at us, we beat the odds.
We will never be “normal” parents. We are the youngest mothers in the Pre-K drop off, meant with looks and accusations. People either commend us on what an amazing job we are doing, or they look down as us, children shouldn’t be able to raise another child. There is no in-between, which is crazy, because like all parents, there is a lot in-between.
Those pictures also reminded me about how our darkest and scariest times are often what define us the most. The things we want to crawl away from; things that terrify us; those are the things that shape us. That change us.
Things we look back on later and are so incredible grateful they happened we wish we would have paid more attention.
All of this, within seconds of seeing those photos….
I am not writing here like I planned too. My priorities have shifted, I am not ready to talk about why yet, but it is all good. Actually; it is pretty exciting.
Evalynn taught me that too.
Lean into the unexpected things that happen, they can be the biggest blessing you will ever receive…
So what will happen to this? I will still write, but it will be reserved for times like this, when the story (post, whatever the hell this is) hits me, and I have to shake it out.
I don’t know what my point is with this. It is a thank you, first a foremost, for my blessings, even the ones that didn’t feel like it at the time. And a reminder.
Judgment is shitty. Don’t do it.
You are never judging that person, you are judging yourself. Always.
And wanting to be anywhere different from where you are RIGHT NOW is a waste of time, and worse than that, you may be missing your biggest blessings and not even know it…
XO