I could not put these in order of importance.
They are equal. All play a part in keeping another going.
If I had to pick a number one, it would be cultivating gratitude as a daily practice, but I don't think I would have been able to do so if I had not done all the rest, which brings me back to all being equal.
Some of these are daily practices. Others, one time choices I made that allowed me immense freedoms. I like myself so much better because of the things on this list.
I got grateful:
I was salty. I bitched too much. I complained, I talked shit, I judged…
I didn't SEE what was around me. I wasn't aware of all the fantastic things in my life. I don't know when this shift happened. I have been reading self-help books since 2001… I didn't start LIVING them until much later.
Now, gratitude is my default. I have infinite reasons to be grateful and thankful at any given time.
It is annoying, really, even in last year's bullshit; all I had to do was look around and still see everything I had at that moment to say thank you for.
I know now there is magic all around us. We just don't see it.
And that is on us.
The practice of gratitude eventually made its way to how I viewed myself. I can't look at my children, my husband, my loved ones and think, "Wow, how amazing, these divine creatures in my life created by God made from stardust… how lucky I am to experience them…" then look in the mirror and squeeze my love handles.
That doesn't work.
Gratitude is all-encompassing.
You don't get to pick and chose where you see it.
You either are grateful as a default, or you are not.
Starting and ending my day listing three things I was grateful for changing me. Adding MYSELF to that list; that made things really cool.
I will never claim to be happy all the time. I am not.
But I am always grateful.
I stopped drinking:
I am not sober.
Now I drink between 1-5 times a year, total. Much of that is having one glass of wine, and then one of that 1-5 is getting absolutely shit faced, which is fun but reminds me VERY quickly why I don't drink.
It makes me feel like shit, and I work too hard on feeling good to let alcohol fuck that up.
There was a time I drank a few times a week, not much, just a glass of wine. I told myself it was fine, it was only glass, and (for better or for worse, mostly worse) we have made drinking regularly normal.
I don't believe needing a glass of poison to "unwind" or parent my children
is normal. It is numbing.
I was using alcohol, a poison (hit up Google if you don't believe me), to numb out the shit in my life I should have been dealing with head on. But instead, my and my discontent with situations around me poured a glass of wine three nights a week instead.
Drinking clouded me. It separated ME from ME. I know now how much drinking changes my energy and lowers my vibration. I know I can get away with a glass of wine or one margarita, and sometimes I do. Sometimes it is worth it.
But almost always, it is not.
Nothing terrible came from removing alcohol from my life.
A lot of good followed…
I learned how to listen to my body.
How to have fun without being buzzed!
Walking out of a party no longer feels like an energy drain. Staying sober allows me to keep my energy tucked in tight and protected and (most importantly) helps me from picking up everyone else's.
Started Lifting:
For 10+ years my main source of exercise was cardio. An elliptical purchased at Sears that I used so much I broke the foot plate off...
Every day, for at least an hour, sometimes two, I got on that thing and WORKED. I did start running at some point, but always cardio. Always pushing just to sweat and burn calories.
There has to be metaphor there; working your ass off and literally going no where. Being stagnant. Peddle, run, and push as hard as I did; I was stuck.
Cardio and its claws kept me stuck.
Enter lifting... which is a whole different blog. Picking up weights, 5 pounds at first, then 8, then 15...then 50... seeing myself DO, learning how strong I was. THAT changed me. Not being stuck to a machine for an hour, being able to move my body in all the different and wonderful ways it allowed me, being able to test my limits and surprise myself gave me courage I didn't know I had.
Most importantly,
lifting put me IN my body.
For years cardio was a way out. Close my eyes and just go, ignore my body telling me to stop and push through... lifting is the opposite. I had to BE THERE. Be present and fully connected to myself. Listen and pay close attention to what was happening.
Lifting taught me to TUNE IN, to listen, and to allow my body to do what it can do...
which was the gateway to everything below.
Got off the scale for good:
Like so many, I weighed myself every morning. Wake up, pee, step on the scale and see if I was good or bad.
If the number was to my liking, then it was a good day, but not too good because I was terrified to eat most things and have that number go up.
And seeing a number I didn't like… well, that meant I was a fat loser and needed to work harder and eat less.
The scale will fuck you up.
The scale doesn't tell the truth. It never said; look, Heather, I know the number is moving up, but you are gaining muscle, and that is REALLY cool! Don't stop doing that.
And as it was moving down, it never told me that the way I was treating my body was harmful and not sustainable. It said good job… good job treating yourself like shit.
Not ok.
Getting of the scale was HUGE for my body image and allowed me to learn how to listen to my body when it came to how I ate.
Stopped consulting other people and things on what to eat:
For years the scale told me how I was doing, and since I was listening to that number, I also felt I needed to listen to other sources outside of my body to tell me what and how to eat.
I read all the books, tried every diet (except for Keto, thank god! I was over this bullshit before Keto became cool).
You will NEVER love yourself if you think you need a stranger to tell you how to eat.
You will never love yourself if you think you need an app or a food scale to tell you how much to eat.
Just eat and listen to your body. It will tell you what it needs.
How can you be a powerful badass bitch if you need to log your food into My Fitness Pal before taking a bite?? You think that tells your subconscious something good!?!
No! it says, look – we have no idea how to do the most essential thing; feed ourselves, so clearly we shouldn't be trusted to do other things…
Just eat.
Eat like you like yourself. Eat like you care about yourself.
Eat like you are not only worthy if you lose 20 pounds, but that also isn't true. Enjoying your food is essential.
You CAN eat chocolate every day and not gain 200 pounds. You can eat chocolate every day and lose weight if that is a goal too.
Allow yourself to EAT And self-regulate. That is the only way to self-love.
Stopped attaching morality to the food I eat:
No food is good or bad. Eating one thing over the other does not make me GOOD or BAD. Understanding and truly believing that changed everything.
Eating my daily breakfast salads does not make me somehow better, just like eating my daily chocolate doesn't make me worse.
The food I eat has nothing to do with WHO I am.
As long as I FEEL good, what I eat doesn't matter. Getting off the scale, stopping counting calories and learning to listen to my body changed me as a person in the best possible way.
Journaling daily:
Getting to know ME better changed everything.
I could forgive myself, see why things happened and why I reacted the way I did.
Journaling helps me move through emotions. I no longer pack shit away only to have it haunt me later. Feelings get FELT.
Journaling also allowed me to really dream. It helped me get clear on my goals and who I want to be.
That daily practice helped me determine how I want to show up in the world.
I no longer feel like I am going through life, reacting to everything around me.
I feel like I am going through life, CREATING everything around me.
It is amazing.
Does this mean I always look in the mirror and love myself? Fuck no. I still pick myself apart,
but now when I
catch myself in that bullshit, I remind myself I DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE.
Do I get pissed and react without thinking? Yep.
Sure do. And I eventually catch myself, apologize and move on.
I don't think anyone ever loves themselves fully…how can we. We are flawed. That is what makes us humans.
But acceptance, that should happen all the time.
Self-respect should be our baseline, and all of the above allowed me to do more of that.
To truly SEE me, learn to like what I saw, and either truly change what I didn't and accept the rest.
This Valentines Day, like every day, I will choose to be good to myself. Because I deserve it. I am magic and stardust and light. And so are you. XXXOO