I couldn’t listen to my body. I had no idea what it needed. Like many women, I spent much of my adult life on some form of diet. In pursuit of being smaller, I tried to become less under the delusion that I would become more by doing so.
And, once and a while, my efforts paid off. Waking up at my goal weight or zipping up my skinny jeans.
The thrill of that moment was never worth the effort, though, because as soon as it happened, I started another battle,
figuring out how the hell I was going to keep it.
When it came to dieting, I was a star. White knuckle my way through the lowest of low calories, remove all forms of carbohydrates, juice cleanses, lemonade protocols…. if it was a thing between 2000-2014ish, I did it. Probably twice…
We know how that ends, though—my efforts and “diligence” on a diet directly correlated with the binge that would happen after. One week of “being good” turned into a day-long shit show of calories.
I was an expert in NOT listening to my body.
I used apps and food scales to tell me what portion sizes to eat. Meal plans and advice from strangers to advise me what those meals should and should not look like. Weighing myself daily told me how I was doing.
Never once did it occur to me to ask me HOW I FELT. The scale was the only thing that mattered. Denying and quieting my hunger because I couldn’t be trusted to feed myself without help from apps, scales, and strangers…
It was a mess.
I was a mess.
All because I had convinced myself that my body could not be trusted.
I was so sure that my overeating and binging was the problem, and the only way to fix it was by beating myself into submission in the form of more rules and restrictions.
One day it hit me. My binging wasn’t the issue.
It was a symptom of my chronic dieting.
Being good wasn’t what was going to HEAL me.
“Being good” was what was keeping me trapped in my bullshit.
We have all heard the saying, “listen to your body when it whispers, so you don’t have to hear it scream.”
The daily cravings, going to bed hungry, denying myself over and over were the whispers. The weekly binges were the screams.
Learning to listen was a slow process. I fell back into my bullshit more than I want to admit, I know now it was part of my process, but then it felt like another failure.
The urge to fix me was always there. The idea that I would only like myself at X pounds with perfect abs was something I couldn’t shake… and something I could never achieve without really fucking myself up.
Old habits die hard, and dieting had become my normal.
Healing took time. And happened in stages. Would I change things knowing what I know now? I don’t know. Obviously, it led me here, and I genuinely believe those lessons (aka fuck ups) are why I can help women heal now. I learned the lessons, so others don’t have to.
But I wish I learned how to love, appreciate, and LISTEN to my body much sooner.
I deleted the apps. I used Lose-It for years, before that a notebook in my purse…because that is how long I have been calorie counting before there were apps to do it with. Remember Blackberries? I kept a running “calorie journal” in a notebook app there…
Then the food scale. Why did I need a piece of equipment to tell me what should go on my plate? The idea sounds crazy now. We are born with the ability to feed ourselves; we just get fucked up along the way by listening to the “advice” of strangers… You know what you need to put on your plate. Listen to your gut.
I did my first Whole30, which forbids weighing yourself. I cheated on day 22… and was so upset because I had only lost a pound.
The thing was, I didn’t have a pound to lose. That was when I realized I needed to get rid of the scale too, it wasn’t serving me. It was keeping me stuck. In stepping on that, I was allowing a piece of plastic to tell me how I was doing… it never dawned on me before that moment to ask myself how I FELT.
Everything I did concerning my body was attached to two outcomes, how I looked and what I weighed.
I receive messages every day from women like my past self. Ladies trying to lose the last 5 pounds. Raging a full-on battle with their bodies to be 1% smaller… it makes no sense.
Like me, they don’t understand accepting themselves where they are in the real magic bullet they have been looking for.
Or women who want to lose 50-100 pounds feel hopeless when they look in the mirror or step on the scale.
They don’t see their potential; they only see a project on their to-do list. A home that was once loved and cared for has fallen into disrepair.
They forget the magic a little love and attention can do.
Both sides of the spectrum and everywhere in between forgets one thing. I forgot one thing.
We will never hate ourselves into a body we love.
In trying to force ourselves into some ideal versions of ourselves, we end up further hating ourselves.
Or. We do nothing.
We stay precisely where were we are, too intimidated to take on the real work of loving ourselves, we decide it is easier to tune out our inner voice, the one that can gently guide us to where we need to go. Avoid mirrors. Eating in secret, wearing long sleeves in the summer because we decide THAT is somehow easier than just looking in the mirror and accepting ourselves as we are.
As a whole, complete beings worthy of love.
I can give out tips to help anyone lose weight.
I can tell you precisely what to do and how to do it. Lose the last 5 pounds or lose 100….
But none of it will matter, and neither will stick if we don’t start with the most critical step, the one almost no one dares to make.
Committing to honoring and accepting themselves as they are right now.
Not as we want to be, used to be, or wish we could be.
As we are.
Complete and whole beings, worthy of our own love.
We can do all the diets, follow all the protocols, but none of it will stick if we can’t commit to the very basic act of listening to our bodies. The one thing we have spent years actively tuning out.
The wild thing is once we commit to that, promise ourselves we will check in with how we FEEL first, ask what we need, and honor what comes next we start to focus less on the other things like how our jeans fit or how many rolls our stomach has.
We see ourselves not as flawed but as suitable as we are.
Not things needed to be changed, rather things that need to be accepted, and then, only then, can we be guided to better, more intentional aligned behaviors that actually serve our bodies.
There is so much more to dive into, and I will very soon, but none of them can happen without first committing to stop all the things that are keeping you stuck.
A reliance on the scale and calorie counting tools. A need to micromanage all the food that goes into your body. Running back to protocols or “cleanses” every time you feel “off”. Dieting every time swimsuit season comes around only to be right back where you started by May.
Doing everything in your power to fix instead of stopping to listen.
The truth is our bodies know what we need, they have always known. We allow diets, fads, scales, cleanses, and internet experts to drown out what they are telling us.
The secret, the thing you that will give you exactly what you want is something you already have, your institution and unique ability to listen and honor YOU.
Learn that, DO THAT, and you can do anything.