We are born loving ourselves. Watch a child look in the mirror. It starts off exploratory. They have a deep interest in finding out who that reflection is. Looking at themselves with wonder and curiosity.
How amazing. If only we kept that energy.
Looking at ourselves and asking who we are while simultaneously being in awe of what we are seeing.
Then we get bold. Find a toddler or young child and put them in front of the mirror. It is magic. They stick out their bellies and tongues, exploring themselves with such curiosity it is comical.
How amazing to love our bodies so much that we crave to see them fully.
When does that change? When do we stop seeing ourselves as magic, looking at every inch with clear eyes and no judgment, and start seeing ourselves as flawed, things that need to be picked apart and changed to be worthy of our own love.
Life kicks the confidence out of us. It is our job to bring it back.
Confidence is a strange word, even more so if you are a female.
Be confident, but not cocky.
Be self-assured but not boastful.
Have poise but not too much; you don't want to come off as uptight.
Be cool, but not too cool.
Dress your age, but stylish, not like a whore, not like a grandmother, cover your stomach but show some skin.
Smile, but not too big, you will look crazy.
Keep a straight face do not show emotion, but be kind. Always.
Be strong, but not a bitch.
Be assertive but timid enough so you do not make anyone uncomfortable.
Most importantly, be yourself, but only if being yourself is socially acceptable.
No wonder we got so fucked up along the way, questioning every choice from what we should be eating to what we should
be wearing.
Shoulds.
The confidence killer.
I should dress more my age. I should stop saying what is on my mind. I should not be so assertive. I should smile more. I should make sure everyone is comfortable around me, even if it means biting my truth.
I am over it. You probably are too.
How do we gain it back, though? Get back to our self-loving default?
With work.
Put effort into how you look, not for ANYONE else, but for yourself. I say this as I sit in my wet hair; I have no intention of styling, no make-up (highly botoxed though),
face, and sweatpants.
However, if I sat like that all week, I start to feel unattractive. Doing my hair and throwing on some mascara now and then, even though I only intend to go as far as my couch, is a confidence builder.
It is showing me I am worthy of taking time to make myself feel good.
I know it's 2020, and we have nowhere to go (fingers crossed 2021 changes that!) but throw on some lipstick for yourself. It matters.
Going along with this, dress up now and then for you. Wear something that makes you feel good. You do not need a special occasion to feel special. YOU are a special occasion. Treat yourself like it.
Negate self-deprecating thoughts.
My mantra is, "I don't do that anymore."
Feel free to steal it.
Whenever I have negative thoughts tied to my appearance, body, and worth, I remind myself I don't do that anymore. I don't judge myself negatively. I don't try to change my thoughts; I simply do not give them power.
Picture these negative thoughts as an asshole driver on the road. Let them pass you. That's it. Trying to chase after them and fix them isn't worth the effort. "I don't do that anymore" is all I need to set myself right again.
Get to know yourself. Journal. We spend the most time with ourselves, yet we do zero self-exploration.
Why?? What a waste of energy?! When you spend scrolling looking at strangers' lives (that aren't real), what have you gained? Not much. Spend some time every day getting to know yourself. Write down what you are grateful for, ask yourself what your dreams are…
Do that damn thing. No one gained confidence sitting on their ass.
You want confidence, do something! Get to the gym. Start the podcast. Open the business. Start the book club. Do whatever it is you want to but haven't had the balls to start. Knock that shit off. No one will do it for you.
Show up for yourself and your goals.
A note on holding back over fear of failing: Failure is a confidence builder!! Failure is your best friend; it means you are trying. That is more than so many can say. If fear of failing is your reason for not doing something, you already failed...
Exercise.
You will never feel good in a body you do not take care of. Move. Walk. Dance in your kitchen. Do something that connects you to your body. It makes being grateful for all its magic so much easier.
Set small daily goals and do them.
Straightforward things. Today I will drink more water. Today I will eat more vegetables. Today I will not talk shit about people. Today I will not scroll on Facebook for hours. Today I will take a walk. Simple goals you can do every day to remind yourself and your subconscious that you are a person who gets shit done.
Confidence is our baseline. Confidence sets you free and gives you the tools to validate yourself, making everything so much easier. And better. And brighter.
Look in the mirror and smile. You do not have to love everything you see, but you must respect it and be grateful for it.
Work on that as hard as you worked on losing your confidence. Commit to drinking your own Kool-Aid and fall down the rabbit hole of embracing yourself for everything you are….
The way I look at it, there are only two choices.
Commit to picking yourself apart and never being happy and live in that self-created mess.
Or commit to embracing yourself and treating yourself with kindness, and working on that.
The choice is yours.
You can catch me smiling in the mirror at red lights… I highly suggest you do the same.