“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Marianne Williamson
Being a woman is hard. I wouldn't have it any other way, but with it comes pressure. SHOULDS. What we should be doing, saying, being… and how we should look while we are doing all the above. It is easy to fall into a place of disconnect, separating ourselves from our wholeness as we strive to meet what society is asking of us.
In trying to be everything for everybody, we are losing ourselves.
In proving our worth, we are watering down what makes us substantial.
I don't believe we are feeling "not enough" though, that is not the pit in our bellies or the anxiety that sits on our chests.
What we are feeling is fear. Fear of embodying everything that makes us whole.
It is not our darkness that scares us. It is our light.
In burning we will turn some people away, the light radiates off with not be for everyone, and that is ok because those beams of light will find their way to others and give them permission to shine as well.
You know the quote; you will not be for everybody… trust me. You don't want to be.
Feelings of unworthiness, lacking, incompleteness like we are some walking talking flaw who is undeserving of the most basic thing: our own respect. This feeling is not truly based in fear around not being enough.
It is rooted in the knowledge that you already are.
You are unwilling to see it and scared of what stepping into YOURSELF would mean to the life around you.
(read that again)
Around nine years ago, I started to wake up. I knew my life wasn't working. I wasn't actively participating. I felt like a zombie going through the motions, like a doll set into motion with no control over what happened next. To say I didn't feel enough was an understatement. I didn't feel anything…
Talking to my father, who dealt with his share of problems and put himself into holes so deep it is a miracle he crawled back out of them, I asked for advice. What do I do? Where do I go, and how do you even start…
He is a recovered addict, drinking which lead to cocaine, took years of his life. In and out of rehabs, nothing worked. He would be sober for a month, then see an old friend and be right back to where he started. But something changed, he quit, and it stuck. It wasn't the AA meetings, time in prison, weekly drug tests, or rehabs that cost 50k for 4 weeks. He got sober through prayer. He told me he acknowledged that some things are out of his control, and he needed help, so he asked God, and from that moment on, he felt supported in a way he had not before.
I am not religious. I grew up Catholic. I never felt connected in a church. At times I felt downright gross sitting in one. That feeling of disconnect from a being that was all loving and providing, with an institution that felt judging and dull, resulted in me thinking I was not a spiritual person.
Now, that couldn't be farther from the case, I see God everywhere, and we talk often. I ask for help, and more importantly, I say thank you.
But then- when my Dad suggested I simply PRAY to fix myself, I thought he was smoking crack again…
But I did because I had no other options.
And nothing happened.
God never spoke to me, I never got a message, I still felt like a fuck-up with no real future…
I carried on doing my shit, living my life as I was living.
The thing with prayer, (and crystals and manifesting) is it will not work unless you are willing to work right alongside it.
Asking for help or abundance to just show up at your door is like saying you want a slice of pizza and expecting a delivery driver to magically show up. You have to make the call. I think a lot of people are being done dirty by the new age spirituality craze, thinking you can burn papers and lay under the moon, and that alone will turn you into a self-loving goddess. It won't.
Queen Brittney said it best,
you better work bitch.
My Dad asked how I was doing, and I told him the truth—the same. Nothing is changing. And- he called my bullshit. Nothing is changing because you are not changing.
Damn…
I can tell you that you are enough right now, as you are. I was enough back then. However, that doesn't matter. You will not believe it until you experience that feeling of enoughness for yourself, and like anything, that takes work and means
changes.
Are you honoring your full self? Or are there parts of you that you are unwilling to acknowledge and explore?
Do you KNOW yourself fully?
Often a feeling of "not enough" is not understanding, not knowing what makes you YOU. Self-questioning isn't taught in schools, but it should be. When is the last time you asked yourself what your dreams were? What do you want from life?
WHO you want to be and HOW you want to show up?
Have you ever? It is ok if you haven’t! Almost no one has… but you aren’t no one, you are you, and that makes your incredibly special.
That feeling isn't "not enough." It is not knowing who you really are.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
I believe deeply that women all over are playing small out of a fake sense of safety. Nine years ago, I thought if I just stay in this role, do what my friends do, act like I have always acted, do what people expect of me, then I won't have to experience the distressing pains of discomfort change will bring me.
But I needed change. Desperately. I spent almost the entire summer alone, just my daughter and me. I didn't go out. I flaked on plans even trips, (not cool. I should have spoken my truth, but this was new to me, I was doing the best I could).
Basically, walled into my house and tried my best to understand what I wanted out of life.
And things started shifting.
Which lead to me finding a new footing, and I truly believe that is when the universe started taking my prayers seriously. It saw I was serious and willing to show up as I wanted to be seen in my life… Manifestation hack: The universe does not respond to bullshit, it responds to ACTION.
I got a different job. I meant my husband a few months after, but most importantly, I started understanding myself, and THAT brought me a feeling of worthiness I never experienced.
Feeling not enough doesn't always mean you are not DOING enough. Sometimes it means you are doing too much. Trying to be too much.
Turn in, pare down, reflect, and question. What do YOU need and want? Set aside what you think you should be for your partner, your children, your career, your friends…
ask for you.
Feeling enough starts from honoring the wholeness that is already there, not adding more.
Almost all the time feeling enough means REMOVING things from your life, sometimes temporary, others for good.
Things like the scale, calorie counting apps, and a pair of jeans that you keep trying to force yourself into. IDEAS around what you need to look like and weigh. They have nothing to do with your wholeness. If you measure your self-worth by appearance, you will never be happy. You will never be WHOLE. Look in the mirror and see your SOUL. Ask it what it needs.
A six-pack (on your belly or in your fridge) and a goal weight will never make you better. Honoring yourself as you are in this moment will.
Remove all expectations of what you think you need to be in order to be worthy. You are enough at this moment. Shrinking will never make you more worthy. Aiming to do so will only continue to diminish you further.
Ask yourself what you need to do to feel respected and appreciated.
Listen, your body will tell you, honor what it asks for.
Remove expectations of what you think you "should" be. What type of mother, friend, sister, wife, partner… all of it. Trying to please everyone will leave you with an empty cup.
Get clear on how you want to show up in relationships. Make boundaries. You can't be on call all the time. Spend time alone, get to know YOU before you try to cater to anyone else.
(Moms, call your bullshit here. No one likes a martyr. If you are reading this, you have time for yourself).
Stop drinking. I mean that with 100% seriousness. If you feel unhappy and unworthy in your body and life, stop drinking immediately. Drinking even socially is not helping you. It is keeping you stuck.
You can't be attached to your bullshit and your growth at the time. It doesn't work.
Feeling not enough has nothing to do with you not BEING enough. Feeling not enough is you not recognizing your enoughness, not seeing yourself as you are, a perfect, capable, complete being.
Doing more will not always MAKE you more. Ask yourself what YOU need, stop worrying so much about what you think others need from you.
Know things that served you in the past may not be a part of your future. Let them go.
Know people will not always understand your growth.
That's ok too. Holding your light back in order to keep others comfortable will have everyone losing. They will get it, or they won't. Either way is fine.
And pray. Ask whatever you believe in for help in seeing how amazing you are. Know that honoring yourself is in perfect alignment with honoring the source that created you.
And know, deeply, you are whole.
You have flaws, and they are a part of your wholeness. They are where the light comes in. Embrace them with the same vigor you embrace other pieces of you.
Being enough isn't something you do.
It is something you know…. And as soon as you acknowledge that, you are.