I used to smoke.
Marlboro Mental Ultra-Light 100's were my brand of choice. As if the ultra-light somehow negated the nicotine. Not that I cared back then; in some ways, smoking was good for me - not that smoking is good - don't come at me - smoking is trash, will kill you and is completely disgusting. But it was the only time I took to be alone with my thoughts.
This was before social media took over our phones. When I was smoking, it was me, my ultra-light, and the thoughts swirling inside my head. I have never been good with sitting with myself, even worse at sitting with my bullshit – and back then, I had a lot of bullshit to sit with.
Sitting on my parent's back porch, trying to suck down the smoke before my daughter realized I was gone and would catch my transgression, I would think about my life. The life I was living and the life I desired.
There was a massive gap between those places. Miles and miles of space between where I was and where I wished to be. It is hard at this point of my life to imagine myself feeling helpless, I am so far removed from that version of myself, but back then, that is exactly what I believed myself to be.
Beyond repair. Wasted. Washed-up. Peaked. Stuck. A loser with nothing to share with the world beyond my decent looks at mildly amusing jokes.
Sucking on the cigarette, asking myself over and over: What if?
What if I had stayed in school?
What if I didn't drop out?
What if I stopped drinking so much?
What if I applied for a better job?
What if I started to eat a little better?
What if I tried harder?
What if I got out of my own way?
Chewing on those answers, allowing myself to daydream what they would look like. What life would be – could be – if I started doing something, anything, to move me out of the stagnancy I was in.
The problem was I had no idea where to start. I think that is the thing with "rock bottom" – we need to go up, but how? What ladder do you choose when everywhere you look, there is another area of your life you are failing in on top of you.
It is hard to see the forest through the trees. When you are IN it, taking the first step can feel impossible.
I talk a lot of shit now, telling anyone who will listen to just start.
START. Start moving, walking, climbing, crawling- anything that provides movement – just do it.
But I know first-hand how paralyzing fear can be.
I didn't know then what I know now – that fear is a liar. Fear tricks us into believing that more pain and failure are the only options. It blocks our vision, obscuring everything that could go right from our view.
Fear will fuck you up if you do not know how to leverage it to your favor, but that is a lesson I wouldn't learn for another ten years…
I know now what my problem was back then. The reason I felt so desperate for change but completely unable to take the first step that would move me into something different – something better. My problem wasn't my bullshit, my laziness, my incredible ability to procrastinate, my complete lack of budgeting skills, my fondness for drinking one (or seven) too many glasses of wine, my lack of willpower, the complete absence of discipline in my life, or my ability to sabotage absolutely every opportunity I was given to move forward. My problem was my beliefs.
I believed that WHERE I was at that point in my life was WHO I was. I believed myself to be the culmination of everything wrong in my life and did not entertain the idea that I could do better.
But I was desperate, so I started trying.
Trying and failing. Trying and progressing. Trying and taking two steps forward only to feel like I always ended up taking three more back. Trying again because I had to because I was so utterly sick of my shit and desperate to improve. Trying because, at some point along the way, I started to figure out that if I was failing at trying, at least I was trying, and that was so much better than failing by doing absolutely nothing.
It was years before my beliefs caught up with my ability. Years before my confidence grew, and I started to lean into the idea that if I thought myself capable, then I was able.
My goal with my writing, platform, and career is to show anyone listening that better is always available. You are capable of absolutely anything you believe yourself capable of being, doing, or becoming.
It is also to make sure my bullshit is not your bullshit, and if it is, to help you learn from my mistakes so you don't spend years of your life stubbing your proverbial toe on the same proverbial rock before you decide to find another way forward.
So, to sum up: change your beliefs, and you will change your life.
It is that simple.
I am not claiming it to be easy; easy and simple are not synonymous. But it is pretty damn simple.
Start with questioning your thoughts when they are not working in your favor. Ask yourself, is this true? Am I sure this is true? And if it is – what can I do right now to ensure it does not STAY my truth.
Look for ways to IMPROVE your negative beliefs – not to confirm them.
Stay committed to your growth, not your bullshit. Again, not easy (believe me – I know) but simple and so much easier than staying stuck in a life below your unique infinite potential.
I will leave you with this- something I ask myself whenever the distance between my goals and my reality feels too large: What will hurt worse: the discomfort of trying or the pain that will come from staying exactly the same.
The answers that follows that question always causes some sort of action.
So much love –
HM