Comparison really is the thief of joy, but inspiration can unlock your potential.
Someone asked me today what my goal with writing is. I want to write a book. I didn’t want to type that, it seems bold, and what if I never do? Is that a failure? I don’t know, but I do, so there it is. That being said I don’t know what it will look like, where it will come from or how it will manifest.
I do know it would be filled with typos. I do know that while I am a pretty confident lady, it will not be anywhere near as good or as transformational as the work of my ideals like Eckhart Tolle, Wayne Dyer or Byron Katie…
Does that mean I shouldn’t do it?
If I compared myself to them I would never move forward. I cannot play on their field.
I have my own field now, one I made.
I don’t look at them or any other writer and compare myself now… I did in the past.
I compared myself to everyone I encountered. This is painful to write, but it is my truth and I have to put it out there. I know through doing my own work that if I show up as anything less than 110% authentic I feel like total shit. Here is the thing, ANYTHING I say, I am saying to myself.
I know I have said this before but I have to make it really clear. I am a mess. I do not think I am better than anyone else. I do not think I am some guru who sits on a high horse dishing out advice. I am a Teenage mom, college dropout; eating disorder body dysmorphic recovered, drank too much, was way too salty and complained too much person….
But then one day I woke up and started to get my shit together. Because I didn’t like carrying around all these stories about what a mess I was, I wanted to be better,
I knew I could be better, so I became better… and here I am.
Anyways.
Comparison.
I got my shit together, and on the outside I looked pretty great. Inside was still iffy, mainly because I was using everyone else to judge and gauge my progress.
That is no way to live, in the gym (where this occurs all the time) or in life.
In the gym; I was only strong if I was stronger than you. I hate to type that. hate it.
But when I started that was all I could grasp to go off of. And was weak AF, so that left me in a pretty shitty position. I was new to lifting, but all the sudden thrust into an important role at the gym, so I put this huge amount of pressure on myself to be perfect there. And perfect in my mind was skinny as hell, and stronger than anyone there. How could I give advice if I wasn’t?
I realize NOW the HUGE flaw in that way of thinking, and thank god I learned better so I can do better, but I have to talk about it because it is something I still see all the time.
“She just started coming and can lift X and I have been here for 3 years and I’m still stuck at Y”
“I will never be as strong as X”
Comparison is the thief of joy.
I don’t know how many times back then I PR’ed (personal record) a lift, and someone would lift heavier and immediately I felt deflated.
That is SUCH a shitty way to live for two reasons.
It robbed me of my personal joy, and it robbed me of experiencing theirs with them!
I don’t know what shifted and when exactly it was, but I figured out I couldn’t keep measuring myself against other people. I was never going to be a good coach, and I was never going to live a happy life.
Does this mean I stopped looking at what you do? No. I look more than ever now.
I look to get inspired. And I have found SO MUCH inspiration all over that little gym.
Comparison is the thief of joy; I learned that lesson hard, OVER and OVER in the gym. But I also learned that inspiration can be found anywhere you feel the need to compare, and it is so amazing once you shift your thinking.
When I say I feel every victory I see, I mean it. It is amazing. I have seen women do things and lift things I couldn’t dream about, and I applaud the shit out of them. Before it would have harped on my insecurities, oh Shit, Andi did 19923 perfect pistols, I can’t do one if you put a gun to my head… I suck, she wins. Nope. Not anymore. I can feel her joy, which makes me feel amazing! I get the thrill of a victory without any labor! Win for me! And I can be inspired to keep trying and keep showing up!
A girl, I have no idea who, she is an Athlete from EC, was doing Rear Foot Elevated Squats with 70lbs dumbbells in each hand. Y’all, that is 140 pounds on one leg. That is amazing. And it inspired the HELL out of this 36 year old mother of three. So guess what I was happy to see in the workout today, Rear Foot Elevated. Did I get 70 pounds? No. But I was inspired and pushed harder there then I have in a looong time. And I got some great weight and I felt amazing.
Had I been comparing myself I wouldn’t feel any joy or pride from that. But because I saw it and was inspired I got to feel joy twice. First, when I saw that go down- because go her! What a badass! And again for me! Go me, I showed up, I did really well for myself. Win all around.
Here is the thing, it would have been crazy for me to compare myself to someone 15 years younger, with a solid athletic background and a genetic makeup I know nothing about. But that is what we ladies do all the time.
We look at a snap shot of someone and compare our whole reality against it.
An Instagram picture that is perfectly put together strokes feelings of jealousy in us, and makes us feel not as worthy. We don’t know anything about the groundwork behind that or the work she put in to get there. We can’t compare what we do not see, and we do it all the time.
It holds us back and it robs us of joy.
Joy for ourselves and joy for others.
Yes, girls support girls, yes we cheer for our friends, yes we want our circle to win or get a new circle and all the other stuff we post and say… but ask yourself truly, is that true? Do you need a new circle or do you need a new attitude.
Guess what, YOU are your circle.
You see what you want to see in it. Maybe your vision is the problem.
Here is the thing; I think if you’re one of those people who say “your circle should want to see you win…” “Not afraid to eat alone” you are probably talking to yourself. And I get it, but again, it is YOUR vision. It is how YOU are looking at it. If you really perceive your circle as not wanting to see you win, that is on YOU!! Not them!
You don’t need to announce your leaving the table y’all.
That is bringing more negativity to the situation YOU are complaining is negative already.
You see that flaw? (cause its major) You can just leave and go to a new table. You shouldn't be worried about who "doesn't" want to see you win, that is robbing you of your joy,and that is on you, no one else. You should want to see yourself win, which means you focus on doing what is right. “Your circle” will follow you, or they won’t, either is fine.
Hard truth- you will never EVER be ready to accept something you are not willing to give yourself. Looking for people who (you think) are not supporting you means your not looking at what really matters... yourself.
That was my HUGE lesson. I didn’t feel appreciated, or seen, or like I was ever getting ahead or making progress. It was because I was holding myself there. Stuck. I was looking around at everyone and everything outside of me to validate my “achievements”. I needed to validate myself.
That is comparison. It is wondering where your applause are. It is measuring your worth next to someone else’s. It is seeing the bad in someone before you see the good. It is seeing the FLAWS in YOU before you see the all your beauty! It is never finding your own ground to stand on because all you see in the steps other people made. You have to make your own. Get inspired by people, or don’t look at what they are doing. I don’t see a middle ground.
Here is my challenge to you, the next time you feel a tinge of jealousy, start comparing, or feelings of unworthiness around someone, change that narrative. What is there that can inspire you? If it’s nothing, leave the table, you don’t need to tell anyone.
The only quote I like around this whole thing is; “You will be too much for some people, those aren’t your people”… that’s fine. You are not for everyone, don't try. Keep it moving. Wasting one second trying to justify your departure is silly.
Your accomplishments are valid even if no one acknowledges them. Stand in your power, and in YOUR real self, if they fall off they aren’t your people. I assure you,
the world is FULL of people cheering for you,
and you will see them as soon as you start cheering for yourself.
The old saying is true;
the grass is always greener where you water it. Does that mean you can’t look at someone else’s lawn? No! Look! Learn! Listen! Don’t compare. Look for inspiration, and if all you see is brown grass that isn’t for you to judge, chances are there are lots of flowers you are missing. Maybe you see lawn so green is looks fake, (maybe it is), who knows, who cares, it’s not yours to judge either. Look for inspiration, if you don’t find any, look in the mirror. What seeds can you plant today?